Your mother is not her:
Any child’s natural reaction to this being their mother would likely look like
So go thank your mother for not being batshit insane.
Last call for this week in Braincellology, and we have our FIRST Brainivator of the Weekend.
In three great sizes! Yes, you may use them for backgrounds. Just remember who your daddy is.
By: Jackuul
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No. InTouch:
Lindsay Lohan’s party-hopping mother, Dina Lohan, was feted by the Mingling Moms organization this week, at an event in Long Island, N.Y., where she was honored as a “top mom.” But not everyone thinks the mother of four deserved the high praise — least of all her ex. Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, couldn’t contain his furor over Dina’s moment in the spotlight. “Are you kidding? Top celebrity mom?” Michael fumed to the New York Post’s Page Six. “Look at her offscreen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top supermom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.”
Fuck no.
- Bluto -
Tags: Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan
Nope. People are just stupid. Star says:
Al Pacino is Hollywood royalty, but to one California couple, he’s just a bum!
The pair crossed paths with the Oscar-winning actor as he was leaving his West Hollywood office and they were leaving the posh Italian restaurant Madeo next door. Clad in a beat-up leather jacket and baggy pants, Al looked all of his 68 years — haggard and unrecognizable. One of the diners pulled out a buck to help the poor guy, but luckily, the valet stopped him.
“No, no, that’s Al Pacino!”
Not a homeless bum.
How the fuck do you not recognize Al fucking Pacino? He’s only one of the greatest actors of our time. I think Al should’ve been allowed to call Al Neri and have him go “Sonny Corleone at a phonebooth” on their asses. Nothing teaches someone a lesson like a good ol’ Tommy Gun.
- Bluto -
Tags: Al Neri, Al Pacino, Bum, Corleone, Corleone Family, Homeless, Mafia, Santino Corleone, Sonny Corleone, The Godfather, Tommy Gun
CSI star Gary Dourdan was arrested in the early morning hours of April 28 after being found with heroin, cocaine, and ecstasy (party!) in his possession, and today/yesterday/whenever was formally charged with three counts of felony drug possession. Us reports:
CSI star Gary Dourdan has formally been charged with drug possession, according to documents obtained by Usmagazine.com from California’s Riverside County District Attorney’s Office.
He was charged with felony possession of heroin, cocaine and ecstasy.
Police arrested Dourdan, 41, after they found him asleep in his car, which was parked on the wrong side of the road, in Palm Springs, Calif., in the early morning hours on April 28. After searching his vehicle, they confiscated the drugs.
Oh big fucking deal. He was arrested in Calithelawdoesnotapplyherefornia, which is the first….. well the first and only step in getting away with breaking the law. I suspect that by this time tomorrow the mayor of LA, Antonio Villaraigosa, will be giving Dourdan the key to the city while getting mounted by Gil Grissom.
- Bluto -
Tags: Antonio Villaraigosa, Cocaine, CSI, Drug Possession, Drugs, Ecstasy, Felonies, Felony, Gary Dourdan, Gil Grissom, Heroin
LIv Tyler has split from her husband of five years, Royston Langdon (who?). Us reports with the “BREAKING NEWS,” ha, Christiane Amanpour is laughing somewhere in the Middle East right now, in between dodging rockets:
Liv Tyler has split from husband Royston Langdon, her rep told Usmagazine.com.
“Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation,” their rep said.
“They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family’s privacy be respected at this time,” the rep added.
The actress, 30, married the Arckid rocker, 36, in 2003.
Us had reported two weeks ago that the couple – who have a son, Milo, 3 – were talking divorce. Tyler’s rep had no comment at the time.
A source overheard the actress seeking advice from a lawyer on the phone.
“In the conversation, she complained about her husband being a ‘leach’ on her assets, and she said she got married too young,” the source told Us
Wow……. it’s almost impossible to accurately describe how much I do not care about this. The only way I’m writing commentary on this is if Aerosmith appears at my house and plays a free concert AND they have to provide free sex and drugs to go along with the rock & roll.
- Bluto -
Tags: Aerosmith, Christiane Amanpour, Divorce, Divorced, Liv Tyler, Royston Langdon, Seperate, Seperation, Split
Hollywood’s resident ‘Town Drunk’ whose tits you’d still really like to play with has reportedly been fired the anti-romantic comedy (what the fuck is a anti-romantic comedy? A movie that is actually funny, not entirely predictable, and not unfathomably stupid? Isn’t that just called a comedy?) The Manson Girls for the movie’s failure to attract other name actresses to the project. It is rumored that Chesty McHolyshithertitsarehuge can be an insufferable bitch on set, which is said to be the reason behind the movie’s failure to attract other actresses. Deadline Hollywood Daily (pick a shorter name you whores) says:
Production was slated to commence in early July for five weeks in Los Angeles, and everybody was pleased that Lohan was attached back in March. (On the other hand, this project for her was really hitting bottom. Lindsay in the true life crime film was to play the part of Nancy Pitman, a pampered surfer girl who became enthralled with Charlie Manson.) But people associated with the movie told agents that Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors…)
So Hollywood finally said “fuck you” to Ms. Mammary’s antics of boozing, and fucking, and flashing, and being a bitch. What does this mean for Lindsay’s career? Who cares? Me? No, I certainly do not. What I do care about is the fact that since Lindsay will no longer be working in any films outside of Rob Schneider’s garbage she will no longer be able to participate in my revolutionary lesbian scene between her and Scarlett Johansson. What the fuck Hollywood? What the hell was that conference call all about last week? Why the hell did I even go through the trouble of storyboarding the scene? It’s like you weren’t even listening to the other end of my tin can telephone, and I happen to know for a fact that the string was attached to both cans. You can’t fool me Hollywood, Buford the teddy bear told me all about your shenanigans during our conference call. You didn’t even show up to the goddamn meeting! Real professional.
- Bluto -
Tags: Charles Manson, Lindsay Lohan, Manson, Manson Family, Rob Schneider, The Manson Girls
I think Eva Mendes is one of the hottest chicks alive, so Imagine my delight when I came upon these pictures of Eva Mendes nuding it up for the Italian version of Vogue. Naturally, Vogue tried to turn the greatest pictures of this month into a crapfest of weird since these magazines do this all the time because they think they are “artsy,” but since Eva Mendes is hotter than Rosie O’Donnell in the Sahara she was able to overcome the photographer’s retardation artistic insight.
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Tags: Eva Mendes, Italian Vogue, Topless, Vogue, Vogue Italia
Now I say this on a regular basis about 73 times a day, but I must say it again, Hugh Hefner is a goddamn genius. As you can clearly see from the photo above and galleries below, Sara jean Underwood is gorgeous. She looks like the farm girl next door who you would think says her prayers every night and wouldn’t know what reverse cowgirl is, but as soon she hits those bedsheets she turns into a demon sex spawn who takes you on a wonderful and mystical journey through the enchanted forests of Vulva Village.
Alright, that concludes tonight’s bedtime story, come back tomorrow for the exciting story of my adventures through the Cavernous Caverns of Side Alley Mary.
- Bluto -
Ah, Elisha Cuthbert, the gorgeous Girl Next Door who refused to show her magnificent body in all its naked glory, but let’s not focus on that travesty of humanity. Instead, let’s focus on the yo-yo effect Ms. Cuthbert has been having on my penis over the last couple of years. When I was first introduced to this sexy vixen it seemed as though that she was all that was good and great on this green Earth. She was unbelievably hot in the Girl Next Door and had some quality teasing scenes. Of course these teasing scene ended up being ultimately traumatic as they did not evolve into awesome boob action, and may have lead to my eye cancer (apparently you’re not supposed to press your face against the TV). I personally believe that this movie was mostly ad-libbed and we had a very real opportunity to see Ms. Cuthbert in her good-time party outfit, but Emile Hirsch was unable to close the deal. Sure he got “laid” in a limo at the end of the movie, but did anyone else notice that Elisha’s boobies were kept under cover? Clearly they faked that sex scene, which is why The Girl Next Door was not invited to the Academy Awards. Naked Elisha Cuthbert sex scene = Academy Award for Best Picture…. Emile Hirsch trying not to bust a nut while Elisha dry humps him = sitting next to Rob Schneider at the Golden Raspberry Awards (as you may remember I used that reference in any earlier post, and I shall continue to do so when referring to a bad movie, because Rob Schneider is just awful, and not that The Girl Next Door was a bad movie, it was not, it was just an asshole for all the teasing).
Anyway, back to the yo-yo effect. Ms. Cuthbert burst onto my scene with all the sexy subtlety of a Tsunami in Sri Lanka and it was a wondrous, magical time for my penis. Then for reasons unknown Elisha decided to get a butch lesbian haircut and for many moons my penis was confused. He stayed up late at night, looking out the window with a blank stare in his eye wondering, why God? Why would you do this to me? He was still certain that he would plow the hell out of Elisha’s lady-hole, but was also certain he have to make a run for it immediately post-coitus for fear of having to endure a lecture on the modern-day ethos of the Feminist Movement (I’m sorry, but Feminism just doesn’t hold as much water as it did in the late-18th, early-19th century). But for the benefit of all mankind, Elisha has once again proven her unquestionable hotness by busting out this latest Maxim spread, in which she looks absolutely freakin’ gorgeous. So praise be to the godly genes that Elisha carries and praise be to the genius who brainstormed that photoshoot.
That rant is entirely way too long to proofread. Laziness is a cruel mistress.
- Bluto -
Tags: Elisha Cuthbert, Emile Hirsch, Feminism, Feminist Movement, Hot Chick of the Day, Rob Schneider, The Girl Next Door