The Last Brain Cell

Cash Warren Dies in Car Accident….

….so says the dream in my head.  What could spurn such cruel and malicious thoughts you ask?  Well, mainly it’s People’s report that, that son of a bitch Cash Warren married Jessica Alba.  Why the hell didn’t Alba’s parents sit her down and talk about safe sex?  Why the hell did my Sperm Laser Uterus Defense 4000 fail?  Dammit:

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.

According to a source, they were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse’s ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

This is why only women and gay dudes should be allowed as on-set technician people when filming movies.  You see what happens when you let one of the world’s hottest women get within 6 feet of a straight douche of a director’s assistant?  Mercy fuck, then pregnancy, then “You better marry my daughter before I shove this shotgun up your ass” Dad speech.  You want proof that there is no God?  Well this is it, folks.  If there was a God Cash Warren would’ve been struck down by lightning faster than the priest had the alter boy lick his taint after Sunday service.

- Bluto -

Tags: Cash Warren, Jessica Alba, Marriage, Married