“Mastermind” Behind School Bomb Plot Wanted to Kill Jesus - High Five! | The Last Brain Cell

“Mastermind” Behind School Bomb Plot Wanted to Kill Jesus - High Five!

April 30th, 2008 Posted in Real News

Ryan Schallenberger, the teenager nobody some are calling the greatest criminal mastermind of our time, set his goals really high in his foiled plan to bomb his South Carolina high school. The insane troubled teenager hoped he would be killed so that he could go to Heaven and kill Jesus H. Christ. He may not have thought this all the way through. CNN says:

A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday.

Prosecutors argued in a federal courtroom that the statements are an indication that 18-year-old Ryan Schallenberger needs a psychological evaluation.

The straight-A Chesterfield High School senior was arrested April 19 and faces several state and federal charges, including attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction. That charge carries a possible life sentence if he is convicted.

“His conduct is bizarre,” prosecutor Buddy Bethea told Judge Thomas Rogers III, who did not immediately issue a ruling. “I think it screams out in his conduct that he be evaluated.”

How was that kid not taken over the world already? Oh, right, he’s a goddamn moron. Say he cross all his T’s and dotted all his I’s and was able to succeed in his cracked idea. You think you can just waltz into Heaven and kick Jesus in the nut satchel? I mean come on, first you have to ummm…… let’s see here…… how does that bull shit go again…… Ok, I must admit that I have not read The Bible in…. ever, so give me a few minutes while I go find someone who believes in that hocus pocus. While I do that you can keep your hand yourself occupied with Marisa Miller:

And we’re back. So even if this whorebag did succeed in getting to the cloud kingdom he would’ve had to of gotten past the gatekeeper who is some dude named Peter. You think the gatekeeper (who would undoubtedly be badass if movies have taught us anything about gatekeepers - “I fart in your general direction”) is just going to let you stroll into Heaven all pimp-like if you go up there and say you’re there to step on that bastard-child’s head? Even if you got by him you’d have to fight through angels, archangels, and perhaps even that asshole God would come down and give you what for. Not to mention you’d still have to overcome that tricky obstacle known as death. Ya know, the one where you die and your organs are removed and you are buried/cremated and you sit in a box for decades until the worms finish taking you back to the Earth and how there’s no such thing as souls and heaven and hell and whatnot and how I should end this run-on sentence. If someone can get by all of that I think it’s safe to say that we will all be fucked and we should get to banging our hot next-door neighbor.