The Dark Knight is Fanmotherfuckingtastic & Very Rich

July 21st, 2008 Posted in Movies

If you were one of the millions (And millions! Sorry, I used to watch wrestling) of people who saw The Dark Knight this weekend you already know that this movie was the greatest superhero ever made. Ever. And prescription drugs can go straight to hell. If you were not one of the millions of people who saw this work of genius this weekend then you are the scourge of the Earth and can only be saved by seeing this movie. So get fucking to it. Also, the producers of The Dark Knight are now furiously masturbating following the announcement of the movie’s weekend take. Reuters:

KAPOW! The new Batman movie “The Dark Knight” smashed the weekend record set by “Spider-Man 3″ last year, selling an estimated $155.3 million worth of tickets during its first three days of release across the United States and Canada, distributor Warner Bros. Pictures said on Sunday.

The hotly anticipated film, co-starring late actor Heath Ledger as the anarchic Joker, surpassed the $151.1 million haul for “Spider-Man 3″ during its first weekend in May 2007.

Going into the weekend, pundits had forecast an opening in the $100 million range, evidently underestimating the Batmania infecting movie fans across the world.

The Caped Crusader also generated $40 million from 20 foreign markets, highlighted by No. 1 bows in Ledger’s native Australia ($13.1 million) and Mexico ($6.6 million), the Time Warner Inc-owned studio said.

You know that shit is legit too, see how they started the article with KAPOW? Journalistic creativity at its finest. Anywho, this movie was phenomenal, and only reinforced my theory that fate is permanently on her period. Story was great, action was superb, direction was excellent, art/design/cinematography was top-notch. The acting was absolutely fantastic. Christian Bale and Gary Oldman were particularly good, and Maggie Gyllenhaal completely made-up for the lack of Katie Holmes’ impressive chest region. Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, all great, but everyone almost sucked in comparison to Mr. Ledger’s stunning reinvention of The Joker. Heath Ledger completely owned the screen with his brilliant performance, and what is his reward? Fate murders him with prescription drugs. That bitch. I swear to Christ, they could’ve taken everyone associated with MTV and that almost would’ve equaled Heath Ledger’s value. And when I say almost I am comparing a blue whale to a brine shrimp. Why was that worthless skank Paris Hilton not substituted instead? What possible benefit is she to society aside from wasting our tax money from when she was “locked up” for half of her fucking sentence? Not only had Heath blossomed into one of the finest actors of the day, he also appeared to be a great father as reports went on and on about how much he adored his daughter (make a little girl grow up without a father who actually cares? Nice one, fate). So to recap, Heath Ledger was a brilliant actor AND a brilliant person who was a great benefit to society. Paris Hilton is essentially the shit on the bottom of your shoe. It’s there, and you may have to pay attention to it to get it to go away, but in the end it’s completely useless, rather annoying, and offensively ugly. So fate, if you ever get designs on murdering Daniel Day-Lewis or Johnny Depp, put your goddamn bonnet back on and remember that Paris Hilton, Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag, Good Charlotte, and Mark David Chapman are still sucking air.

Also, go see this movie your ornery bitch.

- Bluto -