Tom Cruise Braved the Demon Caves of Cher?

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April 28th, 2008 Posted in Celebrities, Scandal

Apparently, back in the days when Scientology’s favorite midget wasn’t bat-shit insane he went spelunking in Cher’s dark void of pain and suffering (come on now, she looks like a transvestite version of Skeletor, would you voluntarily wrap-up for that? Aside from being rewarded the Congressional Medal of Honor there isn’t much incentive to risk losing your wangle-dangle to whatever wombat lives inside that thing) back in the mid-’80s just after Cruise’s breakthrough hit Risky Business hit theaters. Gawker reports:

Cruise had a fling with the noted heterosexual icon and pop diva in the mid-1980s after running into her at a White House fundraising event, which apparently had to do with raising money for people with learning disabilities. Cruise was 23 and Cher 39. Cruise’s breakthrough hit Risky Business had just come out.

Now Gawker goes on to say that this should somehow, magically end all of the gay rumors that have been swirling around Cruise for most of his career. Whatever, I doubt that’ll happen and I could care less. What I do care about is what Lord Xenu will think about Mr. Cruise bedding the rival, insane-cult’s leader. Cher looks like she was born about two galaxies away so I refuse to believe that she and I are of the same species. And with that conclusive evidence there is a 100% certainty that Cher has her own legions of retards willing to shell out thousands of dollars for made-up religions (Ok, so they’re all made-up), I think the public knows them as “her fans.” Hopefully we will soon see a full-scale war between the battalions of Cheridans and Brainwashed Idiots (technical term for Scientologists) that will end in glorious fashion as they all fall into a volcano, and seeing as how every celebrity in Scientology has the mental capacity of a digested ham sandwich I fully expect them all to dive headlong into said volcano in an attempt to save their beloved couch-jumper. God-willing, this will happen within the week and Krispy Kremes will no longer have to live in fear of Kirstie Alley.