Tom Cruise Meets Xenu

July 11th, 2008 Posted in Celebrities, Scandal

Legendary Actor Tom Cruise has reportedly met with Scientology Foe Xenu over the recent spat of Anonymous attacks according to token Chinese Reporter (can’t spell it). Xenu claims to not be responsible for the attacks made by Anonymous, but as Galactic Emperor of the Galactic Confederation has regrets for the transgressions made 70 million years ago with frozen bodies, volcanoes and thermonuclear weapons (although he later claims this is not what happened at all - but since most who even know about him know the story, he felt compelled to issue an apology). The meeting lasted for what can be guessed as three to four hours, since the exact return of Cruise was not known until someone found him stuck deep within the vast expanse of his own home’s yard, in a small mud puddle. The four inch actor later commented that “My home might seem too big, might seem, but its all a part of the master plan!” After-which he reportedly dry humped our man on the scene, and token Latino reporter, Miguel Inez.

Although later questions sent to Tom were not responded to in anything less than gibberish or more than random words and colors (”So what do you think about the development Tom?” - which was asked again and again by our man on the scene - got the following replies: “Blue, Orange, Glabadabadar, hebejejeje, etc”), and our phones ended up wiretapped by mysterious men from either Scientology or the Bush Administration, which recently legalized wiretapping, and panty raiding by FBI officials - we were able to talk to Lord Xenu of the Galactic Confederation. In the phone interview he spoke about many things, and seemed somewhat senile - at least according to Jacques, our token French correspondent who won’t wear deodorant and works in the phone booth down the street because of it. When asked about what his thoughts were on Scientology he replied “It’s just [a bunch of] bullshit made by a guy who lost a bet with me. In fact, I never blew up that many people, and the dates are all wrong, just plain wrong. If I had put frozen bodies near volcanoes - why would I even need thermonuclear weapons? Those weapons were outdated then anyways. It’s just pitiful. So he had a beef with me, and I’m supposed to be the bad guy? You might want to look into that funding problem. When I asked Tom about that - it was just awkward! I mean, he kinda freaked me out. I’m not talking ‘hey, want some candy?’ freaky… I’m talking Amy Winehouse impregnating Rob Schneider freaky. Man that must be a mess. Too bad it isn’t true.” He went on this way for several more minutes.

Later in the call he began addressing Anonymous “Yeah, I heard about the problem here with a group of anti-cult warriors aptly named Anonymous. Although the name doesn’t strike as much fear as ‘Galactic Confederation’ or ‘Super Doom Army’ I do have to give them kudos for the creepy factor. You look at these people, and you realize that they are normal every day nice people - but then when no one is looking, they are this massive living anonymous organization bent on destruction of what they see as unjustified, wrong, and scornful. It’s a pretty amazing way of enforcing laws, just short of the dikes on bikes with kites method.” When asked about if he had anything else to say, he added in a mysterious, albeit somewhat lisped, and utterly creepy tone that “Amy Winehouse might not be the father of Rob Schneider’s baby. Rumor has it, Glognorg, or as you people know him: Spencer Pratt“. With that the call ended with a click.

On other related news, Xenu has recently bought shares in Microsoft and Apple, making him part owner of each, although the details of what he intends are unknown at this time.